2006 Masters Won By Area Man

Augusta, Georgia —

Minneapolis native and avid amateur golfer Dave O'Brien won professional golf's most sought after title.  His final round 64 propelled him to an -8 under finish, two strokes ahead of a second place Phil Mickleson. "Holy Shit!  This course is impossible!" O'Brien was heard to exclaim. 

"I have no idea how this happened to me.  I came down here to try to get tickets and before you know it I am being hustled onto the first tee box."

This unprecedented victory by an unranked player has left PGA officials at a loss for explanation.  Terry McDorment, Director of Media Operations for the Masters said "This is like someone winning the Kentucky Derby... no the Indy 500 running on foot.  This guy is a 15 handicap hack.  Cinderella Boy, tears in his eyes, I guess..."

Masters officials however were not commenting on speculation that O'Brien smooth talked his way on to the course and were then too embarrassed to do anything once he climbed his way up the leader board.  "Never underestimate the power of putting a crisp twenty into the right guys palm." O'Brien said with a wink.

Clubhouse officials were further horrified when O'Brien reportedly ended his historic day by lining the pockets of the green jacket with golf balls from the practice tee and Masters logoed towels from the men's room.  "What?...you think I'm going to leave a bunch of Titlest ProV1s on the practice range"?

When asked about his historic win, O'Brien replied "I'm just glad they had a 52 Long Green Jacket"